ARE YOU BEING MANIPULATED??
Dear Shannon & team
What a wonderful article, I have already shared it with my daughters, both young adults embarking on their life’s journey.
In the throes of young and exciting love one can so easily miss these signs and end up in a difficult relationship and this advice is really worth reading. A lesson I learned the hard way many years ago and a reminder never goes amiss.
I am very much enjoying all the articles you send. I am so pleased I joined you guys as I am learning new stuff every day and very confident love is around the corner now for me!
Thanks for sharing
DOES HE REALLY LOVE YOU? OR IS HE MANIPULATING YOU? (Guys, you can read “she” for every “he” because it works both ways!)
Happy Friday again to all our awesome members and we hope the full moon brought fresh starts for you all! It also brings “endings” so this is always sad, but letting go makes space for new things to start! When we weigh our scales of needs and wants, often something has to go to make room for something new, in order to keep balance in our lives. If it is a relationship where you seem to give more than receive, a career you don’t really enjoy, or a situation you have tolerated just too long, it is a good time to review.
For some it may be an old “look” or image/style they hang on to…..well, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself “can I improve myself with a “a new me?” as we do get stale! You’re personal branding in these daysis important! In fact a new outfit has hit the headlines “Revenge Makeover SA” (teeth are a must do if not looking so good anymore!) and you can Google and see what amazing things people are doing to fight back, regain their youth, good looks and become more confident! (Not only the ladies, but also the men! Us gals love a stylish and neat man in nice clothes and smelling good!).
Having the smarts and a charming personality helps, but all people are visual, more so the male species, a scientific fact!! But please do not feel inferior if you are not a Poster Pin-Up, everyone has their “imprinted” version of what pleases their eyes and what they find attractive – one person’s frog is another’s prince/princess, and even the most homely people may attract – but still do the best you can. Every pot has a lid! Even a bent lid may do! LOL! Even so, unless you are God’s gift in every way, be reasonable on what you can expect to attract – even Stevens all round, as the Afrikaans saying goes “soort soek soort” – that works best!
Today’s article is shared with compliments of Your Tango about manipulation, with a little input from me in red!! From outright narcissism to selfishness or people with their own agendas, there are many signs that will warn you if you know what they are!
Much love and light then until next time and have a great weekend,
Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who ever says any of these to you.
- “You’re being overly emotional.”
When you’re in a relationship, you should be able to freely express how you feel about a situation as the expectation is the other actually cares. Even if it is trivial, or if it is upsetting you, it’s important that you are able to share this concern with your partner and get some reassurance. Shannon: BUT, it is how you share ….not whinge and whine, but explain gently what would make you happy or improve things! Make it short and logical, not take the other on a trip around the world getting there!
But toxic partners are unable to handle the fact that they have caused you to be upset and instead of accepting that and fixing it, they will blame you and your “issues.” It isn’t overly-emotional to be upset when they do something dumb like flirting with others if you have told them makes you feel uncomfortable and it isn’t overly emotional to get angry when they can’t understand why you feel that way, especially when you try to talk to them calmly about it. Shannon: beware defensive reactions! Or excuses!
- “Your feelings aren’t valid.”
Some partners won’t openly say this, instead they will use phrases like, “you shouldn’t be so upset about it” or “it isn’t a big deal”. But it is a big deal and you are allowed to be upset about it. You see, by taking away your feelings, it removes any guilt on their part which allows them to continue being an ass and not consider how their actions will affect you.
The main things toxic partners want is to be in control and get away with treating you badly so by saying you shouldn’t feel the way you do, or dismissing your views and feelings, relieves them of feeling guilty for it. But no one can be mad at you for feeling a certain way; no one can take your feelings away from you.
- “I didn’t say that.”
Toxic partners spin webs. They will say one thing during an argument or when trying get out of something and then will go back on it later when you call them out on it. They will claim they never said that, you heard it wrong. You obviously weren’t listening. You imagined it.
Again, it’s about control. Unless you record a conversation or argument, it’s their word against yours and they’re adamant you are wrong.You will question yourself, you will wonder if they didn’t say that at all. It’s another way for you to lose your foundation during an argument because you’re so busy trying to work out if they’re right. If they claim they didn’t say it, you have no leg to stand on. You start to question your own sanity!
- “I can’t do anything right.”
Playing the victim means you will feel sorry for them and go to their rescue, suddenly, you don’t want to fight anymore. You will realize you were being unreasonable and apologize for trying to start an argument. Shannon: but there is a breaking point when it plays out too often, and resentment will turn you into a shriveled mess! The worst narcissists can go back to their childhood if necessary to explain why they are so hard done by, blame their families, upbringing and ex’es …..it means they are not only bad problem solvers, they feel the world must forgive them and allow them to bahave like toddlers (see our article on ADULTS BEHAVING LIKE TODDLERS) because a toddler does not problem solving capacity – throwing a tantrum works!
Usually when the toxic partner feelings backed into a corner when they know they have done wrong, they will play the sympathy card. They don’t have many friends in town these days so they had to hang out with their ex. That person they talking to on line was a set up by someone playing a joke on you. They didn’t mean to hide their phone or accidently deleted all the stuff there! They talk to others outside of your earshot! They were just being friendly by talking to their co-worker until 3am without telling you because they’re a nice person. Why don’t you want your boyfriend to be a nice person? They are just trying to have interests outside of your relationship because they don’t want to smother you. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see they all good fellas?
- “You never trust me.”
Sure, they only cheated on you once. Sure, you only found texts to other girls a couple of times but they’ve been ‘good’ recently. They’ve remained loyal so why when they act shady, do you not believe them?
Not feeling able to trust someone after they have constantly broken that trust is only natural. And expecting you to immediately trust them again is unfair. Rebuilding trust takes time. But by them blaming you for having trust issues (which they caused) means it becomes about you and your issues and insecurities rather than the fact they weren’t able to be a decent boyfriend. Suddenly the argument becomes about your lack of trust, your insecurities, your doubts and not what they have done.
- “But you did this.”
They may have been Facebook messaging that girl you said you don’t like, but last year you had a text from your ex you didn’t respond to or you or you told a white lie about something which ultimately wouldn’t have impacted your relationship, but you were open about it, so what cooks here?. But if you’re not perfect either then why are you having a go at them? You are to blame!
You have made mistakes too so it doesn’t matter that they lied to you about that night out with the lads or whose number that really was that kept calling late at night. It’s the blame game. Nothing gets solved because they are too preoccupied with scoring points, even if it means making up situations.
- “You’re the most anxious person I have ever dated.”
Loving guys do not compare you to their exes. Especially negatively. Especially during an argument. Especially over something you are already worried about. If they decide to tell you that you are the most anxious or paranoid or insecure person they have dated, get out of there. If someone loves you, they lift you up and support you. They love you, anxieties and insecurities included. They honour you!
- “I didn’t lie; I told you when you asked me.”
There is a huge difference between someone choosing to tell you something and you having to pry it out of them. Sure, they eventually told you but it doesn’t count if you had to repeatedly ask them. However, when you get mad they can claim ‘but I told you about it’ and they cannot seem to understand that them not openly telling you in the first place means they wanted to conceal it.
Lying is withholding the truth and choosing not to tell you about something until you pretty much beat it out of them is a lie. Sorry.
- “I’m going to sleep.”
I don’t know anyone who likes going to sleep on an argument. But if a guy can roll over and go to sleep when you are crying or angry, he does not give a shit about you. It’s another way he gets to control the situation, he gets to let you stew over it for hours and not get any sleep and then he will expect you to carry on as normal the next day when nothing has been resolved.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes, if he cares he should want you to be able to sleep and to feel reassured and cared for and have whatever it is talked through. If he can easily fall asleep when you’re hurting, he’s not a good guy or worth a sleepless night. Shannon: my mother always told me “never go to sleep without resolving your issues with your loved ones” and it good advice! Even if you agree to disagree, make friends and love each other, you can discuss it calmly tomorrow, but punishing body language is cruel.
- “I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone who ____.”
A loving relationship does not have ultimatums. It doesn’t matter how heated an argument gets, he should not result to telling you if you don’t change, he will break up with you. It’s his way of making you believe that everything that is wrong about the relationship is your fault and that you are the only one who needs to change your behaviour.
The likelihood is, he’s projecting his own downfalls on to you because it’s too hard for him to see flaws within himself. If he gives you an ultimatum, walk away.