Dating and covid-19

Have you felt isolated, lonely, alone and unloved when you were dating, now isolation is real and what can we do about it?

Happy lockdown to all our anxious Singles seeking a date! Freedom was in sight like liberation from this plague, but now we are here for a while and we are adapting as only humans can and preparing for what may be a new way of life on all fronts!! And we all have to change the rules of engagement!

Today we cut to the chase on how to succeed at “virtual dating”… please read (even if it takes ten minutes, it can improve all spheres of your life with better communication) as this may also prove to be the new way to start all relationships on a more positive footing (not just the Hee Hah of Crazy Dating) and be the way of the future… how many Singles truly have time for all that emotional and physical schlepping these days?

The RIGHT communications will and can make all the difference to those encounters of the first kind! Nothing is like “yesterday”, we must adapt! We wonder how many companies will now keep staff working from home permanently? A whole new dimension looms!

SO – Just last month you were introduced to someone awesome and decided to meet, there was interest, you both set out to explore if you CLICK!! And then it started!! Nothing but rubbish! Not what you expected? All a hoax!!

SO YOU EVENTUALLY WENT ON A DATE AND IT WAS A FLOP – AGAIN! WHAT WENT WRONG?

Bring forth all the camouflage, props and delusion – polish up, have hair done (yes guys do this too! Well, hopefully) get a snazzy outfit, bring out the bling and status symbols, take out the Sunday best, buff the shoes – and have a sleepless night preparing what to say as your temperature rises and excitement vibrates in your depths, get your CV and resume ready and indent your memory chips with the Twenty Questions you feel you need to ask… really?? Interrogation does not work for terrorists, why would it work when dating? The rest is history as you all have experienced… some worked, some didn’t – but why didn’t it work we moan, when it COULD have??!!

DATING HABITS OF THE PAST THAT SABOTAGE CHANCES OF FINDING LOVE – RED FLAGS!

– Let’s be honest!!! We ARE sizing someone up if we pry, which shows hidden fear they may not be authentic. Your matchmaker gives you an honest profile and cuts to the compatibility, or not. Starting a new love story cannot start with a Third Degree! It does not encourage warm sharing, so take turns sharing your information (it shows your vulnerable side just enough) about the person you are. Not the CEO-person, not the BOSS-person, not the parent or VIP-person, where ever you go. Just the real YOU! YOU have something special, they will notice – when they enjoy your interacting!

– Blame the digital age (yes, we all want instant information and results) for many dating/mating/relating mishaps – too many personal questions, irrelevant and irreverent prying (what does it matter why he/she is single?) too much information as we talk AT each other hoping to impress… and we see it on low-grade dating sites like First Date and so many series…  Sooooooo tell me… Like you contracting the other person to marry you tomorrow or ticking off a laundry list? “You can be my partner if you: tick, tick, tick”… They have to qualify you and themselves first so maybe you can think of falling in love!! No, hopeless strategy!! Yuck, not romantic or friendly! If anything, they get defensive!

FLIRTING IS A LOVELY GAME AND A CHANCE TO EXPLORE – SLOWLY (your matchmaker has already verified, relax!)

It goes without saying if people bring up the sad past, moan about others, complain about their last relationship, their lousy dating experience, their jobs their country – it is an immediate killer of interest! Your dating history? Yes, you met 300 others in 2 years, or only 10, either way, something is sending a warning- what is wrong with you? You even blame your lousy agency. It is them, not you. It can even make the other reflexively defensive, so a safe zone means going back to reciting stories with no relevant value. Or falling back on a self-elevating pitch to “Be Better”.

When we are loveable. When we are loving. When we are nice. When we are genuinely interested. Respect is important. And when we know how to just talk to someone and light up their day we touch their hearts – indeed, strange as it seems, they are not quite a stranger as you have read their profile and know quite a bit about them, but none-the-less, you do not know their hearts and minds…YET….you really know nothing!!

You need to ‘look’ into their hearts, you need to learn what they are all about, you need to listen closely to what is behind the words and more. Any loving couple will tell you, it takes a lifetime to know someone as we evolve daily, grow, succeed, fail and work together and communication is key! We learn.

SO YOU HAD A TON OF DATES, EVEN PLENTY SEX – WHY STILL SEEKING A SOULMATE?

Then we suspect, and realise, nobody is really listening. Like in really HEARING us!! This actually makes us feel lonelier, isolated, overlooked and downright frustrated. Doesn’t anybody care anymore? No. They do not! So dead end, move on!! It is not the status symbol, not the top dog syndrome or being better, it is about listening with your heart too…..and being heard (if you are interesting!)

Stop thinking about what point you need to make. Stop brushing up your rhetoric you want to parrot. Is your opinion needed or important so early? Connect FIRST.

And yes, hee hee, we have had feedback “they didn’t say much”…or we hear “there were sudden silences and we had nothing to say”….or worse, they jabbered non-stop and I went into a coma. OMG!!..(did you read their profile with genuine interest?)..…so it is not about going silent guys and waiting like a captured audience!! Or talking your head off like you stuck. You are not sitting waiting for a dialogue to be thrown at you, you are part of the dialogue, so please remember it is a two-way street!! Oh my!!

And listening to hear HOW they say it!! Encourage their vulnerability and talk about your interests………I was honoured to be a friend of one of the most powerful guys in SA history, and he was not ashamed of his passion for toy model aircraft!! That warmth I felt has lasted a lifetime, not his mega empire or wealth! And yes, “listening” was the secret to Madiba Magic!!

Modern gurus talk about “listen to your heart, listen to your gut” ….but when do we hear the experts say “listen to this person, hear what they are saying and sharing” because if you hear also the unspoken message, they could end up sharing this road to lasting love with YOU.

Listening is harder than speaking!!! Sadly, most of us have a “framework of reference” on what made us feel unheard, ignored or unappreciated or often, misunderstood, and maybe that has hampered our skills! (On a real date it can be the other person talking on their phone, looking around, constantly checking their watch, mumbling “mmmm” or not looking you in the eye – and we always advise, if this happens, quit right there

FaceTime and all ways of seeing each other in digital space can be very exciting! You may be continents apart but you are very together in your double-bubble, sharing close personal space and have a fabulous opportunity to really connect. You can exit if it seems not to be what you both seek, and still leave a good impression!! (we have had cases where a guy, for example, met a lovely lady and although not for him, has recommended we try someone else he thinks may be better suited, and vice versa). Failure is success when it means a better option next time.

Remember to not get too sexy too soon! Unless sport is what you want!

Happy chatting (and smiling and even laughing ) to you all!! To quote Dale Carnegie the famous coach and author of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, he said,

. Be real, be authentic, because others WILL find you interesting! The saying is old but very true!

We also recommend a great book

by Kate Murphy (Takealot.com for orders, and will deliver).

…..and we are thrilled to hear some of our members are at the stage where they are sharing a candlelit dinner for two…..in virtual space, wow, so creative and it sounds like you are having more fun than ever!! We are with you all the way!! Something very exciting to look forward to!

Join us now and find out how YOU can be part of the new safe and fun adventure.

Sending love and light as always to guard and guide, until next!!