Perfect Partners

Dear Shannon,

I was invited by Pieter to visit him on his farm yesterday. This gave me a picture of the real Pieter, he has a lovely home and made a fabulous braai. We had a swim and spent quality time talking. He is so gentle and strong in the same sense and I felt safe. I can see a life together but still early days. We are both cautiously optimistic. And I am showing it – had to take a sleeping tablet last night to get some sleep I was so excited (I feel my life has started over, which just goes to show, you are so right, we must never give up on ourselves – I thought there were no good men left). He is more than what I have prayed about.

He will also phone you if he has not yet as he also does not want to meet any more ladies.

From a very excited Perfect Partner,
Katrina

ARE YOU BEING MANIPULATED??

Dear Shannon & team

What a wonderful article, I have already shared it with my daughters, both young adults embarking on their life’s journey.

In the throes of young and exciting love one can so easily miss these signs and end up in a difficult relationship and this advice is really worth reading. A lesson I learned the hard way many years ago and a reminder never goes amiss.

I am very much enjoying all the articles you send. I am so pleased I joined you guys as I am learning new stuff every day and very confident love is around the corner now for me!

Thanks for sharing
Best wishes
TC

DOES HE REALLY LOVE YOU? OR IS HE MANIPULATING YOU? (Guys, you can read “she” for every “he” because it works both ways!)

Happy Friday again to all our awesome members and we hope the full moon brought fresh starts for you all! It also brings “endings” so this is always sad, but letting go makes space for new things to start!  When we weigh our scales of needs and wants, often something has to go to make room for something new, in order to keep balance in our lives.  If it is a relationship where you seem to give more than receive, a career you don’t really enjoy, or a situation you have tolerated just too long, it is a good time to review.

For some it may be an old “look” or image/style they hang on to…..well, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself “can I improve myself with a “a new me?” as we do get stale! You’re personal branding in these daysis important!  In fact a new outfit has hit the headlines “Revenge Makeover SA” (teeth are a must do if not looking so good anymore!) and you can Google and see what amazing things people are doing to fight back, regain their youth, good looks and become more confident! (Not only the ladies, but also the men! Us gals love a stylish and neat man in nice clothes and smelling good!).

Having the smarts and a charming personality helps, but all people are visual, more so the male species, a scientific fact!!  But please do not feel inferior if you are not a Poster Pin-Up, everyone has their “imprinted” version of what pleases their eyes and what they find attractive – one person’s frog is another’s prince/princess, and even the most homely people may attract – but still do the best you can.  Every pot has a lid!  Even a bent lid may do! LOL! Even so, unless you are God’s gift in every way, be reasonable on what you can expect to attract – even Stevens all round, as the Afrikaans saying goes “soort soek soort” – that works best!

Today’s article is shared with compliments of Your Tango about manipulation, with a little input from me in red!! From outright narcissism to selfishness or people with their own agendas, there are many signs that will warn you if you know what they are!

Much love and light then until next time and have a great weekend,

Fond Regards
Shannon

 

Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who ever says any of these to you.

1. “You’re being overly emotional.”

When you’re in a relationship, you should be able to freely express how you feel about a situation as the expectation is the other actually cares. Even if it is trivial, or if it is upsetting you, it’s important that you are able to share this concern with your partner and get some reassurance. Shannon: BUT, it is how you share ….not whinge and whine, but explain gently what would make you happy or improve things! Make it short and logical, not take the other on a trip around the world getting there!

But toxic partners are unable to handle the fact that they have caused you to be upset and instead of accepting that and fixing it, they will blame you and your “issues.” It isn’t overly-emotional to be upset when they do something dumb like flirting with others if you have told them makes you feel uncomfortable and it isn’t overly emotional to get angry when they can’t understand why you feel that way, especially when you try to talk to them calmly about it.  Shannon: beware defensive reactions! Or excuses!

2. “Your feelings aren’t valid.”

Some partners won’t openly say this, instead they will use phrases like, “you shouldn’t be so upset about it” or “it isn’t a big deal”. But it is a big deal and you are allowed to be upset about it. You see, by taking away your feelings, it removes any guilt on their part which allows them to continue being an ass and not consider how their actions will affect you.

The main things toxic partners want is to be in control and get away with treating you badly so by saying you shouldn’t feel the way you do, or dismissing your views and feelings, relieves them of feeling guilty for it. But no one can be mad at you for feeling a certain way; no one can take your feelings away from you.

3. “I didn’t say that.”

Toxic partners spin webs. They will say one thing during an argument or when trying get out of something and then will go back on it later when you call them out on it. They will claim they never said that, you heard it wrong. You obviously weren’t listening. You imagined it.

Again, it’s about control. Unless you record a conversation or argument, it’s their word against yours and they’re adamant you are wrong.You will question yourself, you will wonder if they didn’t say that at all. It’s another way for you to lose your foundation during an argument because you’re so busy trying to work out if they’re right. If they claim they didn’t say it, you have no leg to stand on. You start to question your own sanity!

 

4. “I can’t do anything right.”

Playing the victim means you will feel sorry for them and go to their rescue, suddenly, you don’t want to fight anymore. You will realize you were being unreasonable and apologize for trying to start an argument. Shannon: but there is a breaking point when it plays out too often, and resentment will turn you into a shriveled mess! The worst narcissists can go back to their childhood if necessary to explain why they are so hard done by, blame their families, upbringing and ex’es …..it means they are not only bad problem solvers, they feel the world must forgive them and allow them to bahave like toddlers (see our article on ADULTS BEHAVING LIKE TODDLERS) because a toddler does not problem solving capacity – throwing a tantrum works!

Usually when the toxic partner feelings backed into a corner when they know they have done wrong, they will play the sympathy card. They don’t have many friends in town these days so they had to hang out with their ex. That person they talking to on line was a set up by someone playing a joke on you. They didn’t mean to hide their phone or accidently deleted all the stuff there! They talk to others outside of your earshot! They were just being friendly by talking to their co-worker until 3am without telling you because they’re a nice person. Why don’t you want your boyfriend to be a nice person? They are just trying to have interests outside of your relationship because they don’t want to smother you. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see they all good fellas?

5. “You never trust me.”

Sure, they only cheated on you once. Sure, you only found texts to other girls a couple of times but they’ve been ‘good’ recently. They’ve remained loyal so why when they act shady, do you not believe them?

Not feeling able to trust someone after they have constantly broken that trust is only natural. And expecting you to immediately trust them again is unfair. Rebuilding trust takes time. But by them blaming you for having trust issues (which they caused) means it becomes about you and your issues and insecurities rather than the fact they weren’t able to be a decent boyfriend. Suddenly the argument becomes about your lack of trust, your insecurities, your doubts and not what they have done.

6. “But you did this.”

They may have been Facebook messaging that girl you said you don’t like, but last year you had a text from your ex you didn’t respond to or you or you told a white lie about something which ultimately wouldn’t have impacted your relationship, but you were open about it, so what cooks here?. But if you’re not perfect either then why are you having a go at them? You are to blame!

You have made mistakes too so it doesn’t matter that they lied to you about that night out with the lads or whose number that really was that kept calling late at night. It’s the blame game. Nothing gets solved because they are too preoccupied with scoring points, even if it means making up situations.

7. “You’re the most anxious person I have ever dated.”

 compare you to their exes. Especially negatively. Especially during an argument. Especially over something you are already worried about. If they decide to tell you that you are the most anxious or paranoid or insecure person they have dated, get out of there. If someone loves you, they lift you up and support you. They love you, anxieties and insecurities included. They honour you!

8. “I didn’t lie; I told you when you asked me.”

There is a huge difference between someone choosing to tell you something and you having to pry it out of them. Sure, they eventually told you but it doesn’t count if you had to repeatedly ask them. However, when you get mad they can claim ‘but I told you about it’ and they cannot seem to understand that them not openly telling you in the first place means they wanted to conceal it.

Lying is withholding the truth and choosing not to tell you about something until you pretty much beat it out of them is a lie. Sorry.

9. “I’m going to sleep.”

I don’t know anyone who likes going to sleep on an argument. But if a guy can roll over and go to sleep when you are crying or angry, he does not give a shit about you. It’s another way he gets to control the situation, he gets to let you stew over it for hours and not get any sleep and then he will expect you to carry on as normal the next day when nothing has been resolved.

It doesn’t matter how long it takes, if he cares he should want you to be able to sleep and to feel reassured and cared for and have whatever it is talked through. If he can easily fall asleep when you’re hurting, he’s not a good guy or worth a sleepless night. Shannon:  my mother always told me “never go to sleep without resolving your issues with your loved ones” and it good advice!  Even if you agree to disagree, make friends and love each other, you can discuss it calmly tomorrow, but punishing body language is cruel.

10. “I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone who ____.”

A loving relationship 

. It doesn’t matter how heated an argument gets, he should not result to telling you if you don’t change, he will break up with you. It’s his way of making you believe that everything that is wrong about the relationship is your fault and that you are the only one who needs to change your behaviour.

The likelihood is, he’s projecting his own downfalls on to you because it’s too hard for him to see flaws within himself. If he gives you an ultimatum, walk away.

My dear Shannon, I think that you are placed into peoples lives for a reason. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky and what I have done to deserve a friend like you. People have come and gone out of my life, but for some reason you never left. Your friendship is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. You always have time, you always care. 

I could write a book about the positive affect you have had on my life. Your heart is of the purest that I have ever known and I felt your spirit the second I met you. Your energy and smile radiates and love and compassion that you show for others is special. I am so grateful to be affected and influenced by you. I hope that one day I can be half of the person that you are. 

You believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. You loved me when I was hard to love. You listened to me when I didn’t have a voice and let me cry  when I was broken. But most importantly, you never give up on me. That is special. 

You know me to my core. You know what makes me smile and what ticks me off. You can tell in an instant when I am upset and then continue to do everything in your power to make me feel better. If I am going through something, you are the first person to text me to make sure I am okay. When my confidence lags, you reassure me of myself. I have never had a bad moment with you. 

You fill my life with an immense amount of happiness and love. I know that wherever life takes us, you will be part of my life. If we don’t talk for some time, we pick up right where we left off. Whenever I need you, I know you will always be there. 

You are the epitome of a beautiful human being. I hope that every person in this world has someone like you in their lives. Shannon, you are the best! 

Fond regards
BJ

Sharing our newsletter from end February, as many singles are still single and it is halfway through the year!  Enjoy the read, it will inspire and encourage! Your professional matchmaker is here to help fast track you, better than any dating site can!

2^nd August, 2017

IS FEAR REALLY BLOCKING LOVE FROM FINDING YOU?  PLEASE LOOK DEEP (and Shannon shares her personal journey!)

Hi once more to our precious perfect partners, the last Friday of February and nearly the end of the Month of Love!!  It was an interesting month!  I did quite a few radio talks and the TV show, and have also contributed to an article coming up in the Sunday Times, and there seems to be an emerging question all these media people ask, why can’t single people find love, it should be so easy?  I has made me think very deeply and I have also asked our LOVE GURUS for their input, so today we share all the bits and pieces of ‘stuff’ coming together!  See the interactions at the end of my piece……

I love the good energy everyone had this week – you are making friends (all of you knowing what the ultimate goal is!) and allowing a natural process to work, you are more awesome than you realise, I have “sold” you already, you only need to “show up”!

Through all the questions we have been answering lately with the media asking for our advice, and even from the responses from our own members, I have recognised that FEAR is a deeply embedded factor in many people!  I am even opening up here to you all on my own journey and how I have grown into love and abundance in the last 12 – 15 years, so please bear with me and know we can help you!  Look deep inside and look back at good introductions we have found for you, and ask yourself exactly why you could not even explore a relaxed and friendly coffee date to test destiny! Ask yourself if you really found an excuse (we covered the pathology of “busy, busy, busy” a few weeks ago already as a dodge) NOT to go on a pleasant outing because of some imprinted, deep psychological reason, fear or blockage – what truly got in the way?

So here is my truth …..(the extracts for our Sunday Times brief hereunder talk about ‘not my look’ and shallow things we klap you all about often so please don’t give us that one, LOL! We can concede though that anybody overweight (it speaks of poor health, not vanity), frumpy and not celebrating the divine feminine or masculine in a ‘presentation’ is acceptable!  Or if a member does not smile, look friendly and approachable in their pics, we can’t blame you, therefore we cannot be blamed when people decline to meet, you are all are in charge of your own image you portray.)

I have been meditating even deeper than usual on this syndrome of “fear factor” in all its forms, and have inspiration for our newsletter today as I think I may be on to something, you are welcome to disagree with me! I always use my own Self as a guinea pig and put myself in all your shoes ………in all honesty, I would have fear that I may not be good enough, nice enough, bright enough, sexy enough, able to give enough, trust enough, will I fail, will I screw up, will I be hurt/betrayed or abused …….and I know actually I enjoy a time now when I can tell myself I don’t really care what others think and even if I am quite a FOB (Feisty Old Bitch) at times I am liberated by my truths and acceptances of my own warts and all…….and you know what?  I seem to be liked by more people than I expected, because I am, finally, being myself! Up until about 12 years ago it worried me senseless that I had to be better, be perfect, be liked, be affable and agreeable (and I actually took a lot of abuse! Which is a vicious cycle because one then tends to grovel even more for approval!) I tried so hard but was never happy deep down…….man, it was so nerve wracking!!  It made me even more vulnerable because people see a “people pleaser” a mile away and you end up being distrusted….because who the hell just “gives” these days?  Why is she being nice? What is Shannon’s agenda? My journey was great …..I started to accept me as I am …….I can trust my God-given ethics, kindness, sense of justice, smarts, humour and loving nature which is  inherently in my genes and will not let me down, and I have no qualms in telling someone to “Buzz Off”…. if I feel it is necessary!….so I do every day with gratitude and abundance! “Those that matter care, and those that don’t care don’t matter!”

Tons of love and light, and see hereunder PLEASE how this subject is being discussed on every platform – not just Perfect Partners, but an eternal issue we all have!!  Enjoy some enlightenment

Fond Regards
Shannon

Is fear stopping love from finding you? By Dr. Bloomberg

Though all my many years of couple counselling and relationships issues, what seemed to come up many times when I do radio and TV shows is the common theme “ how do I trust again? How do protect myself from getting hurt?”

So many times we enter new relationships, EXPECTING UNCONSCIOUSLY to be hurt again. We don’t open up and don’t put all our energy into the new relationship, for fear of rejection and hurt. Please see past trauma as part of your life lesson – you did learn something after all?

Our fears are literally not allowing us to be open and experience. Well I can’t blame everyone, we only human, however, guess what….what you put out there you get back, what you fear usually comes to you. So we create the same patterns, partners that hurt and reject us. (Veronica can ‘recode’ your memory chips and banish past trauma! And I am here to chat!)

The trend I am seeing in the dating game, is that so many people are finding fault with the “potential persons” profile so that they don’t have to meet them. This is happening unconsciously. Similarly, if you find fault with your new relationship and break up before they break up with you. Maybe they were the right partner?! A lot of us are our own worst enemies. So please don’t block your potential Perfect Partner before you have even gone on a date! Go with an open mind that and the worst thing that can happen is that you make a new close friend, have fun and who knows? Life is short, go out experience and enjoy and maybe you will like it. Guess what.. no one is perfect, but you may just find a prefect one for you is release the fear and do it anyway!! Give love a chance, it happens when least expected and comes of nowhere!  You were born to be loved …….

Good luck!
Dr. Charissa Bloomberg
www.hiddendimensions.co.za.

My dearest Shannon, I truly appreciate your comforting reply and the time you dedicated to me. Thanks so much for explaining so many things I never thought important – dating is not easy but you have made it such a friendly, safe and pleasurable experience!!  I am enjoying meeting your truly eligible bachelors, guys who would NEVER have crossed my path in a lifetime if it was not for you!!  I love being sociable again and do not feel invisible and that my life is just a boring treadmill (and no more wasting time online dating) and I know now love will find me when the time is right!

Your insight and understanding make me feel I am in good hands. You are very honest and I believe what you say, change the person and the circumstances will change!

I am sure you have a very challenging job, but you handle it extremely well. I cannot imagine how you take care of every culture, religion, personality types and age groups, and you certainly have a gift. You do sell “people to people” and not one person is the same ……there surely is no other industry with so much diversity and individual needs!

Thank you for your kind words.

Fond regards
AK

You rock!!  you really are special dearest AK, and we are loving working with and for you!! There are never any problems, only solutions …….and yes, sometimes I have to say it like it is and it makes my heart cringe as the last thing I ever want is being perceived as uncaring …..I do care HUGELY, and just a little intervention can make so many positive and wonderful things happen!!  J

I know as a coach my job is to make people feel safe and confident, but I can never play “emperor with no clothes” as telling people things to make them feel better that are not true, is deceiving them and an insult to their intelligence!  Only when facing the truth can personal growth happen. I rather be dumped on – my shoulders are broad! LOL!

Your wisdom and high EQ is impressive and I am humbled and appreciative you understand!

Trust your matchmaker angel – we see the WHOLE bigger picture of every member, as every individual is a friend to us and we often can see potential others may not see – it is impossible to explain in words our instinct, residual knowledge, perceptions and GUT feel sometimes!

You are going to find someone awesome – your energy is ‘clear’ and simple and you do not complicate things, you will be fine in this difficult matter of finding a lifetime investment of the heart! So much heartache and sorrow we see here daily – people seeking expert help eventually after making too many mistakes, and bad choices leading to huge trauma in their lives!! A reckless moment can lead to years of troubles!!  So our motto is “prevention is better than cure!” …….we see many folk choose to meet based purely on looks and the chemistry rush……oh dear, then they only find out later they do not even really like the person …….after investing huge life force, time and heart quotient.

I am glad you are meeting two of our most eligible bachelors ……we are always at your side!

xxxxx

Fond Regards
Shannon