His Withdrawing Is The Beginning of The End… Unless You Know How To Pull Him Back – Dating Advice
A man will seem really excited to be with you, he’ll ask you out, maybe even bring you flowers, call all the time, and then…
… something shifts and he pulls back.
He stops making plans like he used to, and you start to feel like you did something wrong or that he doesn’t like you as much anymore.
Wouldn’t it be great to know for sure that your man was going to take you in his arms and let you know without a doubt that he wants you and only you?
Wouldn’t it be amazing never to have to worry again that he is losing interest when he becomes distant or that you’ve done something wrong?
It’s entirely possible when you understand the reasons a man has for acting distant and what to do about it when he does…
The Good News: Withdrawing Is Natural
Here’s an insight about men that’s fascinating and strange and that, once you understand it, is going to stop a lot of the pain and frustration you experience with dating and relationships.
When a man gets truly close to a woman and deeply intimate for any extended period of time, he loves that feeling and wants more of it. But the strange part of this is that the moment a man experiences this period of intense closeness, he will take some space for himself.
I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s how most men work emotionally. Most men will actually seek some amount of space to “recover.” It’s kind of like how after a muscle gets worked out it needs to rest before it can grow stronger and be active again.
Men can become distant even in good relationships, and if you know what to do, you can keep your guy physically and emotionally engaged… even when he needs time to recover.
And there’s another reason why a man might withdraw that has nothing whatsoever to do with you: He’s not living his “purpose”.
The Importance Of Purpose For A Man
It’s important for a man to be clear about what he’s doing in his own life and what his purpose is.
A man’s purpose can be anything from something straightforward like excelling at work or building his own company, to something more creative like starting and working at a do-it-yourself project at home or training at his favourite sport.
The point is that a man has some goals and is engaged and focused on doing something and doing it well.
A man’s purpose is essential to his overall emotional and social well-being. But oftentimes, even men themselves aren’t clear on what their purpose is, or don’t really go after their purpose and assert themselves.
How His Purpose (Or Lack Of) Can Affect You
When a man isn’t going after his own purpose or has fallen away from it or forgotten about it, it often gets in the way of the relationship he’s in. Men become withdrawn, restless, irritated and seem generally unengaged in life as a whole.
They stop initiating plans. They stop spending as much time with people, even their own friends. They shut the world out. And of course, they become emotionally withdrawn and distant as well.
Too often men aren’t conscious that this is what’s happening to them, and they end up pulling away from their relationship and making things even worse for themselves. This is when they often seem to go in and out of being present and engaged in the relationship, and then completely withdrawn.
They slide between the two largely because of the way that they’re feeling about themselves or how things are going for them in the world as it relates to their purpose. And often women take on the problems the man is going through and try and help, or even mistake his behaviour to mean something about his feelings about them or the relationship.
So, now that you know that a man’s withdrawing is not automatically your fault, what can you do about it?
What Doesn’t Work With A Man
There are certain behaviours and approaches women often take when their man starts withdrawing, and they usually work against you. Let’s get those out of the way so you know what NOT to do…
Approach #1: Convincing Him
When you’re with a man who is feeling or acting uncertain with you, trying to convince him otherwise puts you in a very dangerous and weak position for your relationship, even if you give him an ultimatum that would move things ahead to the place in your relationship that you want.
Why? Because he’s not really making that decision based on what he wants or feels.
What you really want and need is a man who is truly committed to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual level. Not coerced, not forced, not convinced.
Approach #2: Over Sharing Your Feelings
If you’re like most women, then you think sharing your feelings with a man first, and often, will somehow get him to share his feelings in return.
But this isn’t how it works for a man. You can share your feelings with a man, but to expect that this will encourage him to do the same with you will only lead you to unnecessary frustration, especially if a man is already acting withdrawn.
When a man acts withdrawn, that’s a signal that he is undergoing his own emotional process and needs time to recharge. Once he’s ready to share his feelings, he’ll be back. But trying to stimulate him to do so by becoming overly emotional won’t work.
Approach #3: Setting Unrealistic Expectations
Women tend to think that if things are going well with a guy, that he will naturally want to move things forward to the next level. They’ll just assume this even when the guy has never talked about the future.
So you know what happens next. Things will be coasting along, and suddenly the guy will change gears, she’ll find out he’s dating other women, or he doesn’t make plans with her every weekend, and she’s left wondering what the heck happened.
The answer is that the woman created all these expectations about what the relationship was supposed to look like and how he was supposed to behave, and when he fell short of that, she became disappointed and unfulfilled. This usually winds up in a confrontation that causes tension and maybe even creates more distance.
The flip side of this is that a woman will try to pretend she’s okay with just a casual relationship, gets closer to him thinking he’ll “come around,” and then become disappointed when he doesn’t.
Approach #4: Having “The Talk”
As an independent, thinking woman who is used to getting out there and getting what she wants in her career and the rest of her life, it might seem like laying your cards on the table and having a talk with a man about “where the relationship is going” is the sensible, adult way to move things forward.
You might think that if you give him all your reasons for why you two are perfect for each other, like you’d do in a job interview, it will make him open his eyes and realize he’d be a fool to have things any other way.
But think about this: Do men truly commit and choose to love and become loyal, caring, affectionate, etc. just because a woman asks them?
No. A man needs to have his own reasons for being and feeling this way, and this happens when he feels a deep emotional attraction for you.
To get the inside scoop on how the commitment process works for a man, his reasons for committing, and how to transition to a deeply committed relationship in an easy and effortless way, check out my From Casual To Committed program.
In this program, I’ll help you discover how to help a man get in touch with those hidden feelings inside him that will have him begging you for a commitment. No drama, no tears, and no convincing that he needs to “go there” with you.
How To Make Him Hot Again
Ok, so now that you know what not to do when a man goes cold, here’s how to handle the situation the next time it happens and inspire the right guy to “recover.”
1. Center Yourself And Get Clear On Your Wants
What you need to do first, before you do anything else, is get clear about what you want and expect from your love life.
You need to be honest with yourself first before you can be honest with anyone else in your life. Stop pretending you only want a casual, fun fling when what you really want is to have a committed, serious relationship that’s going somewhere.
Here’s the thing: Getting clear about what you want will help guide your mind in all kinds of positive directions to help you find and attract the right situations and people in your life.
Accepting a situation that is anything other than what you truly want will not only make you unhappy, it will keep you tied to a man who’s not right for you. So really ask yourself what kind of relationship you want before you become involved with a man and the chemistry starts to cloud your vision.
2. Communicate Clearly
Let me tell you something important that you might have gotten mixed up as a woman in relationships with men who wouldn’t listen…
It’s OK to want what you want and to let a man know it. In fact, it’s a must. And it’s OK to tell a man that his behaviour doesn’t match with what you want.
The amazing thing is that men crave honest women who are upfront about who they are and what they want in relationships… in a way that says that she’s not too attached to the immediate outcome and subtly lets him know that he better have his act together, or else.
Suppose you’re with a man who has a wandering eye or wants an “open relationship”, and that’s not what you want. You can say, “You have every right to be with any woman you want, just not when you’re with me.”
That’s not an ultimatum or a threat. It’s a simple, clear statement about your wishes that also respects his right to choose. When faced with open communication like that, a mature man will respect a woman and realize that he’s dealing with an equal.
This in itself will go far in triggering the deep level of emotional attraction I talked about earlier. What’s more, once you become vulnerable like this and state your truth, your respect for yourself will also increase, and with it your self-esteem. You’ll not only move closer to the relationship you want, but you’ll weed out the guys who can’t give you that in the process.
3. Create The Space
This is the critical key to inspiring a man to be close to you again. Actually, allow yourself to be open and vulnerable.
This is the space that you will actually receive love from your man… and to do this requires that you actually take a step back so that a man can come towards you and start giving you his love and attention.
If you don’t leave this space, you will keep filling the space, and he will not step forward.
That means you let go of the need to control what happens next and give him the chance to call, make plans with you, or initiate affection.
Learn The Exact Steps So He’ll Step Forward
In my program Inside The Mind of A Man, I dedicate a whole section to this called “When a Man Withdraws.” You’ll quickly learn:
How to cut through his resistance so he actually wants to come closer to you, naturally
Specific words you can say if you sense he’s pulling away so he suddenly craves you MORE
The stuff men will NEVER tell you about what they’re thinking while dating you
How to talk to him so you DON’T come across as needy
One of my guest speakers, an expert in communicating with men, recommends “fooling” a man into thinking it’s actually okay for him to withdraw. In fact, he advises that you actually encourage a man to take his space to regenerate by saying, “I’m here when you’re ready.”
When you back off like this, a man will firstly be caught off guard and pleasantly surprised, he probably hasn’t had this happen with a woman before. Once he gets over this, he’ll realize that he actually needs less time away from you, because you’re not going to hold it against him.
To learn more tips like this you can use right away with any man you’re with to instantly bring him closer to you and inspire that deep level of emotional attraction, check out Inside The Mind Of A Man here:
I’ll guide you to understand men and work with how a man thinks and feels to create a great relationship… a relationship that will withstand the normal ups and downs.
You’ll learn to recognize when a man is just “doing his thing”, so you never again have to worry that you’re driving him away. Instead, you’ll learn exactly what it takes to support your man during his periods of “recovery” and what to do to keep his attraction for you strong.
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.